effuse: (woody allen)
I used to love living in chaos. In my mind, unconsciously, it was synonymous with freedom. I figured that because the world is chaotic, I shouldn't try to live it as anything else. To do so would be to hinder my perception. I then gave myself into almost total nihilism.

The real tragedy of Krysti's death is that she was much the same way, and she was just starting to come into her own when she passed. I never saw her happier than I did when we picked her up from the airport just under a day before she died. It was like she'd figured out something major, something that opened up the rest of the world to her. Perhaps she realized that freedom wasn't in chaos after all, like I would under a year later. Or perhaps I'm just projecting my current perspective onto her. One thing I do remember well about her, though, was her constant struggle to escape the confines of her history, her fears and her insecurities. So maybe it's a projection that also happens to be apropos. Guess we'll never know.

I need to hit the gym.
effuse: ("dorchester days")
I've been on LiveJournal since two months before 9/11 happened. I hopped around various LJ spin-offs for a while and finally came back to LJ in '03. I didn't think I would join another spin-off again, but for some reason I can't explain, I'm really attracted to this site. (Well, okay, the fact that it has an attractive diversity statement is a boost known to me. But that's a small piece of the pie.)

So anyway, about me. I suppose there is no more intimate a way to know me at this stage of my life than to know my fresh-outta-bed face:

I won't be held legally responsible for any damages that may occur to your monitor.

I'm Rebecca. Some people shorten that to Becca. I don't care which one you go with. Just don't call me Becky. (Call [personal profile] sexlaxitives Becky! She's my close compadre and artistic partner in crime.) My other BFF is Angelina. I live in a small studio apartment with two cats and a girl.

I wanted to find a single adjective or verb to sum me up for my username. At first I had "acquiesce" in mind, but the more I thought it over, the more it seemed to set me up as a pushover rather than give a glimpse at my overall personality. "Effuse" came to mind after some further contemplation, and it clicked. I'm an intensely emotional person and I wear it all on my sleeve. I would like to gain more composure, but never at the expense of passion of feeling.

It's April 7, 2010, two minutes away until April 8, and the best word to describe my place in life at the point of officiating this as my new journal is just lost. But it is also transitional. I've lived in the same small city for twenty-five years of my life, and in September it is certain I will be moving to a major city. The reasons are all over the place, but in my gut, it just feels right, Brian. It feels right. Gut instincts are really all I rely on right now as trying to cram myself into portraits of what/who I should be hasn't really worked so far. I'm lost, but I feel as though a little bat is guiding me through the blackened forest of my days. There is definitely something to be found, or I am to be found, who knows which. I just know that the future is coming on and it won't always be as bleak and depressive as things are today.
effuse: (selby: "oh.")
So I am 99.5% sure I want this to be my new journal. I am just waiting for Angelina to get off her ass and create a Dreamwidth account.
effuse: (Default)
this is just a tribute (testing 1 2)


effuse: (Default)

November 2012

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